Pirates of the Bearabean2: Dead Man’s Vest
Chapter/scene1: GRAVY BONES, DEADMAN1, MAX
GRAVY BONES: So tell me, do you fear death?
DEADMAN1: (frightenedly) Wha…wha…what d…d…do you mean? Who are you? Where am I?
MAX: You’re dead!
GRAVY BONES: You heard Max, you have died. And now you are on my ship. (pause)Why? I don’t fully understand. But in a Pirates of the Caribbean movie, no one dose. You have a choice before you meet your fate. You can choose to work on my ship and with my crew for eternity, or face the afterlife. (pause) And judging by the looks of you, it won’t be very fun. So make your decision, and quickly.
DEADMAN1: Um…so…I’m ddd…dead and I have to chchchoose to die forever or work for yyyou forever?
GRAVY BONES: JUST DECIDE ALREADY!
DEADMAN1: Uh…uh…this doesn’t make any sssense!
MAX: Should we pitch em’ boss?
GRAVY BONES: Go ahead, Sharkman, I don’t have time for a slow thinker.
DEADMAN1: (hysterically) BUT! NO! YOU DIDN’T EVEN LET ME DECIDE! HELP! HELP! HE-
(Max throws Deadman1 over board)
MAX: So much for him. (laughs)
GRAVY BONES: Who’s next?
CREDITS (OPENING)
Chapter/scene2: JACK, MR. BIBBS, QSTOCKER, PICKLESTRAP
JACK: Dum de dum, dum do da de day. (pause) Oh! Stick! I’m fresh out of root beer. I better see if we have any more in the cellar. Hmm, hm, hm, la da do te dah. (Jack enters cellar and hears creak) What was that? (pause) Are you…who are you?
PICKLESTRAP: You know who I am, Jack.
JACK: (gasps) Picklestrap Dill Burner! Oh my dog! I…I…I thought you were dead! You are dead!
PICKLESTAP: Gravy Bones sent me.
JACK: Wow. You’re son…I mean... (pause) You’re here! Gravy Bones sent you? Does he want another favor done?
PICKLESTRAP: No, Jack. He sent me to take you to the Flying Frenchman, his ship.
JACK: What? No…I mean-
PICKLESTRAP: He wants your soul, Jack. You owe him.
JACK: For what?
PICKLESTRAP: You stole his compass.
JACK: Me? No! Why would I-
PICKLESTRAP: You took it last time you were on his ship. Hand it over, or be forced to work for him forever.
JACK: Well…I sort of…lost it.
PICKLESTRAP: If you don’t have it in exactly one month’s time you will face the wrath of Gravy Bones. Goodbye, Jack.
(lights flicker and Picklestrap disappears)
Pirates of the bearabean 3: AT world’s bend
Chapter/scene 1:
SPENNET: (calmly) Release the lever.
ARMYMAN 1: Um sir, may I ask why? I mean, these may be innocent people-
SPENNET: (still calm) How dare you, Liverpool . These scabbards are pirates. Pirates deserve to be consequently punished in the most rhetorical way. Now, release the lever.
ARMYMAN 1: (nervously) But…but…don’t you think that this is to... …big of a punishment, your honor?
SPENNET: (annoyed) I sayeth release it. Do you want to be punished too, Liverpool ?
ARMYMAN 1: (sacredly) Nnnno sir, it’s just…
SPENNET: Then I suggest you pull the lever.
(Armyman 2 runs in)
ARMYMAN 2: My lord?
SPENNET: What is it? I’ve already had enough trouble with this incompetent nincompoop.
ARMYMAN 2: My lord…they’re ready.
SPENNET: They’re ready? (pause) Good. Pull the lever, Liverpool .
ARMYMAN 1: (hysterically) Sir, I beg you! There are women and children there! Please my league!
SPENNET: (to two guards) Gentlemen standing behind me. Please deliver this man from his stately position as lever handler, and move him to a more subtle and lowly position. (pause) send him down with the usurpers of the consequence.
GUARD: (confusedly) So...you want us to…
SPENNET: (annoyed) Just bring him down with the pirates.
ARMYMAN 1: WHAT? NO! SORRY! SORRY! I’LL PULL IT! I’LL PULL IT!
SPENNET: (falsely sadly) Sorry Liverpool, too late for that. No one contradicts me in that fashion and gets away with it. Tsk, tsk, poor Liverpool, poor Liverpool .
ARMYMAN 1: NO! PLEASE! I DON’T WANT TO! I DON’T WANT TO GO DOWN THERE! PLEASE! NO! (Armyman 1 gets pulled away to exit by two guards)
(J move to “execution” scene)
(Armyman 1 is still yelling as he is dragged to rack as Executor and Spennet come in)
SPENNET: (stands on platform and clears his throat) Thank you, one and all, for proceeding to come to this maniacally inhumane gathering and punishment caused by your indubitably erectoserious happenings at sea.
(silence/cricket noises)
RANDOM PIRATEE: (confusedly) WHAT WAS THAT?
SPENNET: (malevolently) You pirates will be punished.
(groaning and grumbling from piratees)
SPENNET: Yes, unfortunately, the hyperoctidous accounts of the past decaded staranigus have left the completely unaware East India Trading Company at odds with you scabuddelers. (more silence/cricket noises) (flatly) We are trying to defeat you.
ANOTHER RANDOM PIRATEE: WELL WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SO?
SPENNET: (annoyed) Please, let me finish. (pause) Your delinquent actions have left us no choice of motive whatsoever but to bring torture to your sowatever called “clan.” As we --the officers of municipal punishment—and I have finally decided, we will deliver this officially malevolent justitidy by the study of multiplicity of laughter. (even more silence/cricket noises) We are going to tickle you.
(scared murmuring in the Piratee crowd)
ANOTHER RANDOM PIRATEE: WHAT IF WE DON’T WANT TO BE TICKLED?
SPENNET: (happily) Oh, you should have registered that fact-of-matter before you set your crazed pupils on sea boraging!
ANOTHER RANDOM PIRATEE: CAN WE GET SOMEBODY ELSE TO TALK?
SPENNET: (angrily) OH COME ON! (to pirates) I said you should have thought about that before you became pirates.
PIRATEES: OHHHH.
SPENNET: (commandingly) Now, you will face your doom. (to guards) PULL THE LEVER!
